i havent felt like this in a long time..

my body hurts. my stomach aches. i havent eaten all day. and i feel like i wanna throw up.

no matter how hard it is..

..you have to be honest with yourself. you have to be fair to someone else.. and to yourself. because no matter how badly you want to just say "fuck it" and walk away, its always going to be in the back of your head and instead of saying "eff that" youre going to start questioning and asking yourself "what if." 

sometimes its worth the pain. you dont know where you going to be in the next few or six months.. you dont know if anythings going to happen, --or not happen. and although its a risk, is it a risk that your willing to take that you will be hurt in the end.. and that you will hurt someone else? but at the same time you cant deny whats there. i think i know what needs to be done. ---what happens now will have a big impact on the decision that you have to make later on. no matter what though, im not going to be selfish and ask you to stay because of me. 

somethings wrong.

if anyone.. ANYONE ever makes you feel guilty

for not canceling  your original plans that you had

with work and family just to hang out with them...

(actually ANY original plans you had in the first place)

...something is SERIOUSLY wrong. 

2 things. religion and people from mars.

sometimes i dont think you can be straight up with people

because theyll take it the wrong way

why cant we just learn to know how to handle the truth

and use it to better ourselves.

and instead of being a little turd.. be supportive. 

im not sorry i had other commitments lined up. 

next topic: you can pray all you want, but until you act.. nothing will happen. 

not putting anyone down who is religious

but some of you can get pretty psycho on the people who dont necessarily believe in the same things that you do..

just let them be.. no use in getting worked up over it

and dont bother trying to shove scriptures and quotes down their throat

cuz theyre just going to resist you that much more

and in the end youve just become a bad example of who this God wants you to be

so back to the first topic. i cant change anyone

i already know its impossible unless they see exactly what you see and want to do something about it for themselves. all i can do is try to INSPIRE someone to better themselves

my god, that sounds rediculousy lame but i think its the way it is.

i cant turn anyone into a gentleman that i would like them to be, i cant expect anyone to already know that a girl should have her heavy luggage/equipment carried, or even have her door opened. (im pretty old fashioned)

i think it just means that the pieces just dont fit

its almost obvious but a part of me still wants to stick around a little longer. 

but fuck no. cant settle. keep telling myself i cant settle. 

i deserve to be swept of my feet!!

I'm really bad at this..

I've come to find out that I'm really bad at playing games. If I like you, it'll show and it's quite difficult for me to pretend that I don't. Let's be honest here.. 

That's What They All Say...

We're just wired different.. women are from venus, men are from mars.. yada yada yada. It's an emotional thing for a woman but for a man it's all physical. And that's why I'm still holding on to that card. You know, THAT one hahahaha ok. But seriously, it seems like a guy will say anything just to get what he wants. And I thought I was the one playing games this time. But it was all you. --That's why I hate dating.. or just boys in general. Why can't we just be straight forward and honest with people and how you feel.. even if you don't feel the same way. It's better to be honest up front than to lead someone on. But that's a whole different subject. Gotta get my mind off of this. 

Lonely. You ever feel it? I mean, REALLY lonely. It just hit me. I'm alone. That's the way I want it.. just me, myself and I as I get my life together. But why does it bother me so much right now. It never did before.. shootz, I LOVED it!! ugh! Must be these raging hormones that I'm forever cursed with as a woman. Maybe I should just give it a few days and it will pass. EFF THISSS!!! 

About this time last year..

If we were in August 2007 and someone told me I was going to be where I am now, I don't think I would believe them! This time last year I was a wreck. I had just turned 18 on my graduation day, I had just gone through a difficult breakup with my boyfriend at the time of a year and with those two major changes in my life I had become a wreck of a girl.. I was out partying until the sun came up, I was out of my house for weeks at a time, and I had lost motivation to go to school or to have a job. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I was in a slum. I was a loser. I was very dependent and wasn't at all driven to get my life together. 

How quickly I turned my life around. Here I am, almost a year later and I am already so far from that ugly place that I was a year ago. I had broken off friendships that weren't worth keeping and weeded out the "friends" that were not a positive influence to me, I had rekindled an old friendship that I had to leave because of some stupid choices I had made in Jr High, and best of all.. I became friends with myself. --When you're in a relationship with someone for a year, it's too easy to get lost and wrapped up into the other person. You put aside all of the things that you love, and all your dreams go on the back burner because you evolve your world around the other person. I still cant believe how dangerously close I was to getting engaged. I can't imagine being married at my age, and if things kept going in that direction I would probably be a house wife popping out my first kid. The thought scares the living daylights out of me!!! 

This is the way i see it; I'm going to be independent, I don't need a guy to complete me. I complete me. Quite honestly, I am in that point in my life where I have absolutely no interest in dating anyone. I LOVE IT!!! It really makes for a low pressure situation whenever I meet new people. I really don't feel like I need to impress anyone and that is one of the greatest feelings in the world! I don't even see anyone else in the picture for another 2 or 3 years. Until I am fully established as a MUA and well off on my own, I will have no time to give anyone the time of day. I'm already busy as it is working and getting my life together, it will only become more to juggle. And I think boys are the last on my list of priorities. =]